How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
