U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
