Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Your cock deserves a montage
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
