i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
