I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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