I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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