i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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