Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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