OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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