did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
