Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
