I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
