apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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