Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
