Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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