If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
