I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I need to calm my uterus...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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