All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Life is so much better after having sex.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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