I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
