I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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