Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
