Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
