At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
