Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
