you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
