i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ladies don't puke and tell
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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