The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
