the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
