Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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