This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
