I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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