What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.