dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I smell like Dick and happiness
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