I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
