Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
