I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
