That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
