Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize