Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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