she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
