What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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