This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
