last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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