just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
