just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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