i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
