I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
