I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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