you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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