it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
