he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
