Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
