I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
