here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
