how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
