I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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