Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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