just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Houston, we have a squirter
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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